I dedicate this story to my Mother -- she came up with the opening line.
Once upon a time, there were three chickens. One was fried, one was roasted, and one was grilled. Don’t ask me who cooked them, I wouldn’t know. The real question is, why were they left out on the buffet counter, abandoned to cool off? What has happened to American culinary pride that such priceless specimens like these fall to the wayside?
About the chickens. Everyone knows that breaded, deep-fried chicken is America’s signature dish. Well, besides hamburgers, deep dish pizza, and collard greens. What other country in the world is crazy enough to serve collard greens at Thanksgiving? That’s right, none! The presence of collard greens on our national menu just proves to our international neighbors that Americans are a bunch of rabbits!
But about the chickens. Fried chicken runs the culinary gamut from fast food to haut couture. Well, come to think of it, I don’t know if Chick-fil-A is considered haut couture. I do think it’s better than KFC though. Not that I really have anything against KFC, I just prefer a good, moderately moist chicken sandwich over dripping greasy wings. And don’t get me started on the prevalence of buffalo wings! Do you know how much salt they load on those things?
Right, chicken. Let’s move on to roasted chicken. This, I venture to say, is most certainly haut couture. You won't find oven roasted chicken in a KFC. Why? Because KFC doesn’t even have an oven! All they’ve got is a dirty, greasy, disgusting fryer that might have been cleaned last year, but probably wasn’t. Roasted chicken is reserved for the fine restaurants with their pristine rack ovens, wood fired and brick lined. Who wouldn’t want to eat a chicken cooked in one of those?
And speaking of ovens, do you realize how much difference there is between electric, gas, and wood-fired? Let me put it this way: would you like your bread toasted or microwaved? Do you want your pizza cooked on a seasoned baking stone, or a “stainless” steel slab treated with three months’ cheese residue?
Enough about that, lets get back to roasted chicken. Like I said, this chicken is high life. I can just imagine a good roasted chicken covered with herbs, rosemary, basil, and thyme. Maybe it could be stuffed with lemons and onions, just for that extra zing. Do you know how good all those garden vegetables taste together? And you can grow them in your living room window. All you need is a few small pots, some good planting soil, and lots of water. And the plants. Of course you can’t grow anything if there’s nothing to grow. Unfortunately, lemons and onions take considerably more space to grow, so unless you have a large garden/orchard/farm you probably will have to visit Whole Foods for these.
Let’s talk grilled chicken here. There is nothing like a good, well-seared, chicken breast with rice, plenty of sautéed veggies, maybe a glass of wine, Coke, tall Pelligrino, a gathering of friends and family around the campfire.Nothing like it. Except maybe a day on the beach, with freshly caught fish on the grill, coconut juice straight out of the shell, and enough pineapple to reduce your mouth to a bleeding mess. Sorry about that last part, but pineapple makes my gums bleed. I don’t know why. I’ve tried to ask my doctor about it, but he just laughed at me. Why do people laugh at me? I ask an honest question and they just go off on some completely unrelated topic? What’s up with that?
By the way, I’d get back to the chicken, but who wants to hear about the inside of a garbage disposal?
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